I haven't been on my pills for about 7 months and it's REALLLLLY beginning to take it's toll. I'mm all puffy, my mood-swings are now in the LETHAL range, my cencorship has pretty much jsut completely been thrown into the whirlwind, i sleep almost ALL day on my days off work, getting really frustrated at the fact that I really have NO ONE to talk to unless one of my friends comes to me and says hey i need to talk to you wanna get together?...can't really go or do anything cuz my car is in the shop and will cost almost $1000 to get fixed, and friends rachel and adriane are in school and anna works at night while i work days, have pretty much NO human contact, and i'm sure theres more but my thought processes are extremely limited right now.
there are things i need to talk about, yes they're about me but mostly i jsut need to talk aloud for right now and just have someone there to listen to me so that i know they care. i mean i know i'm loved but it's different and better when they're actually there WITH you, you know? Mostly things about not having my pills. it irritates me so much that I feel i need to explain away the extra 20-40 lbs i must've gained. I feel really confident in my body even though it is bigger, but i still feel i have to defend myself, even when i know no one is going to think any less of me becasue i'm fat. Hopefully. Man i really hate myself right now.
On a more pleasing note, I got my hair dyed on the 9th. looks really good. dyed it more of a brighter red. my hair is naturally red but it's more fun now i think, and have been getting really nice compliments^^. just went to Valleyfair and guess what!!!?? I AM NOT AFRAID OF ROLLERCOASTERS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah! getting on them was my problem but this time i felt NO trepidation whatsoever! I rode the Wild Thing 5 times and even got a keychain with the photo in it. i was in the FIRST CAR!!!!!!!!!! i'm tellin ya, that 200-ft drop aint a piece of cake but i did it! and on the 7-9th of June, I'm heading up north with my wife Okochan and her family. they invited me when her mom was dying my hair, i really like them they're all so sweet. i wish i could cry because of how sweet they've been to me, really. they invited me for thanksgiving and for x-mas last year too!
Ya see? my mood swings again. My mind is buzzing with so many thoughts i wanna jot them all down and talk about each thought in minute detail but that will just bore everyone and probably make people think im some sort of narcissist, when in fact, i'm just lonely as all hell. Okochan <the aspiring message therapist! go her!>, says you need 22 hugs a day to feel healthy. well, i don't even get TOUCHED 10 times a day, every day at work I'm up at the front counter helping customers and slicing shit up, wrapping cheeses, pricing shit, etc. and whenever anyone gets near someone we move away as to NOT touch them for fear of something might fall or drip or drop or what have you. then i come home and head down to my room and i'm alone in my head the rest of the day and night. i only come up if im hungry enough to get up off my ass and get some dinner.
It jsut hurts very much to know that i am alone in every sense of the word. anna has her anime friends, rachel has her family, mostly her dad, she says, adriane has her sister and father and step-mother, brandie has her new roomie and her ma, and hell even her lil bro and her are friends! brenda is busy with her own 2 kids, VERY soon to be 3, and i can't see either of them cuz they live way out there, so i am all alone, and it hurts my heart. all i have are my thoughts, my journals, my music, my cats, this laptop that's not even mine. what the hell am i supposed to do? i mean i'm not suicidal but i have nothing to do with myself. i don't even know if anyone is gonna read this fucking journal. i may not really have a reason to be here but i don't wanna die becasue i love life too much. i jsut wish i could LIVE! my thoughts go back and forth on how prould of myself i am for getting over my fear of coasters, even though i'm 23, but no one seems to share in the njoyment. that's where it hurts that i have no parents anymore, they'd be proud of me, they'd jump for joy with me. i feel like a little kid who jsut faced a big hurtle and overcame it and there's no one there to give me a pat on the back. i just keep getting, "Oh, yeah, wow, that's great." that makes me feel like a moron and makes me wanna crawl into a hole and rot until I stink of a thousand stinks. i mean it was a HUGE deal for me that i was afraid and now i'm not! that's a pretty fucking major milestone yo! i couldn't fit on the extreme swing or the Power Tower though, but just barely.
i'm really bummed about not fitting the power tower, but psyched to go up north, bummed that i've gained 20-40 lbs, psyched about the compliments on my hair, bummed that i have NO ONE to talk to or hug me every day, really psyched that hey! my fear of coasters is gone and i have a photo keychain to prove it! bummed that my car is gonna take $1000 to fuckin fix *growls*
all in all, in the last week i've never felt more loved, and more alone in all my life. Thus far, that is.
Anyschmoo, guess that's it for now. dunno when i'll be back. check out my facebook page yo! and thanx to those who read through my pathetic tirade of self-loathing/self-love and somewhat narcissistic attitude, and reply iffen you wanna.
Lots of Love, Leeann